Cruelty-Free Catch & Release Fly Fishing For Lazy People

Fact is, laziness is my chief virtue: it keeps me from thinking, saying, & doing regrettable things, expending too many unnecessary calories, & winding up wearing a sunrise orange jumpsuit to my license plate making job.

If you're lazy, too, skip the rest of this, knowing that the rest is just wordy justification & self-serving documentation for my chief virtue.

If you're lazy, but curious as a cat, then read on, & don't say I didn't warn you.

I love fly fishing. I love catch & release fly fishing. There's nothing better than standing hip-deep in clear, root beer colored water, casting a line & thinking higher thoughts than one might in rush hour traffic jams. Yep, fly fishing is food for body, brain, & soul, no doubt about it.

There's one little "catch", though: I don't like the idea of someone getting poked to have a bit of fun on the water.

Now, I've poked myself plenty of times with my sharp little bent-down barbs, & that's just sheer stupidity on my part. However, when a trout or salmon gets poked by these barbs o' mine, well, that's just plain mean, low-down, dirty play on my part.

No trout or salmon starts the day saying, "I'm gonna get poked by fake food today, if it's the last thing I do, by golly! Everybody's doing it."

Years ago, I started making cruelty-free flies to use on the beautiful waterways that I fish. I've renewed this practice recently, because it saves me time & effort, & the fish won't make a pact to ensure I sleep with them permanently.

Now, mind you, the mister & I have agreed to disagree on this matter. We decided that he's right & I'm daft, mostly because he is a highly experienced catch & release fly fisherman & he'll probably read this.

I like flies with no hooks. Yep. It's all true. No hooks, no trouble for anybody. You know the old saying, "Don't start nothin', won't be nothin'?" That's my aim!

Here are the bennies of cruelty-free fly fishing:

• There's no reason to get squeamish or feel guilty.
• There's no harm to you, if you're not deft with the flies, & there's no harm to the fish, if they mistake a toy for food. (Yeah, they're a reactive lot, but why encourage that pattern?)
• You don't have to touch the fish & disturb their delicate slime coat.
• You don't risk busting up a perfectly good line, losing a tippet, or losing a $3 fly.
• You don't have to reel in the fish that swallows your hook-free fly ~ the fish will figure it out.

Back in 2000, I was fly fishing with a friend, using my cruelty-free flies. Now, it was salmon season in Michigan, & I made some humdinger flies with discs, glittery strands, fuzzy furry bits, & sunset-colored feathers, with some day glow false salmon roe for good measure. These were worthy of drag queens, my friend; they were princess-approved, shiny, wiggly, crazy streamer-type thingies that the salmon just loved!

I made a hi-dee-ho cast with a flourish ~ didn't even spill my beer or drop my cigar, thank you very much ~ & caught a salmon just as some rather serious catalogue photo shoot ready fly fishermen rounded the bend.

They sized up my fishing buddy & me, in our astonishing fishing get-ups (bathing suits & beer tee shirts, complete with hip boots & tackle bags), laughing & slinging around these wild hook-free drag queen patterns. These guys looked truly afraid.

That salmon would not give me back my toy. "Hey! Brother, give that back! I'll throw it again, & you can chase it, okay? There's a method here, man!" I yelled to the fish taking my line straight out...like he'd hear or care. Ptttthhhhhhpt! Fish don't acknowledge American English in it's current state. Everybody knows that.

My fishing buddy said, "Dude, you totally freaked out. That was awesome," as he horsed around with another big ol' salmon attempting to steal his hook-free drag queen pattern.

The serious fly fishermen waded up, worried, cautious, looking like Captain Kirk in "The Trouble with Tribbles" episode, "Hi. How ya doin'?" nodded Captain Catalogue #1.

"Good!" I beamed. "I got my toy back! Sheesh! Didn't think I would. Huh."

"Whatcha got there, anyways?" asked Captain Catalogue #2, as my fishing buddy yelled "Woo hoo! I got it back! Hah!"

"Oh, these are fishy toys! No hooks, no harm. The fish just love 'em, too! Want one? I've got a bunch here," as I fished around in my tackle bag to proffer a fistful of Barbie-licious fishy toys.

While my buddy negotiated a return of his hostage drag queen pattern with a particularly uncooperative salmon, Captain Catalogue #1 said, "Really?! I can have one?"

"Oh, yeah, take two, if you want," & I nodded. "You, too, sir," I said to Captain Catalogue #2.

Then they smiled. They laughed. "Never seen one o' these before. I like it. I'll try it. MIght put a hook in it, you know."

I said, "Well, whatever you can live with, man, is all right by me, as long as you're fly fishing!"

They thanked us again & headed downstream, beaming & chuckling about their new toys.

Hook-free fish toys make it easier to catch & release, you know. This is my favorite part of the whole scheme: the fish let go themselves; it's all their choice. I figure, when you're in your own home or your own backyard, even when it's underwater, you should have some control over what happens.

Did I anthropomorphize? Oops. See, I just figure that every individual, regardless of species, should be as happy as possible, have the causes of happiness available, & skip suffering as much as possible.

When I fly fish with bent-down barbs, I simply give the fish more line whenever they tap that fly. That way, they have a minute to figure out that they've got a mouthful of hair, thread, & feathers, & can excuse themselves to go find actual food.

I know it's fun for my fellow trout bums to catch & release a great big, savvy, elusive brookie, rainbow, or brown, & that's just great. Fellow fly fishermen, you should have your fun your way, & don't let anybody tell you anything different.

My fun comes from seeing the fish get the toy, run with it, realize the gaff, & spit it out with a tail slap & a splash.

Fly fishing proves the point that "the way you do anything is the way you do everything", & that gives me just one more big thought to think while I'm bothering the fishes out in the wonderful, wild waterways of Michigan.

© 2011 Charmed Life Publishing